The email came in while I was at lunch. I recognized the sender’s name although I’ve never met her. She wants to know my office address; it looks like we’re going to be closing very soon – maybe even today. This is only the umpteenth time she’s said we’re close to the end. So why this time was my lunch suddenly sitting like a lead weight in my stomach? Why were unshed tears burning behind my eyes? My brain was foggy and I responded almost incoherently to one of the attorneys who spoke to me. I saw the next email, from the lawyer this time indicating she’d email over the papers for me to sign if I was comfortable with that. Sure, I replied back while inside I wondered, “What if I’m not okay with that?”
It wouldn’t matter. The alternative would be that they bring them in person. Either way I have to sign them. This is So. Fucking. Hard. I was able to put it away for so long and now it’s back in my face, waiting to take me down into a black spiraling hole. I managed to check off some of the stuff remaining on my to-do list and it’s a good thing they were mindless chores. I’m not sure I would have been able to handle much more.
The papers arrived in another email and I printed them a few minutes later. I don’t know what I expected. Certainly not so few pages. When you’re signing your life away for your mortgage or refinance you go through endless stacks of paper. When you’re losing everything shouldn’t it be at least that complex? I read the documents in between trying to do actual work. There was nothing surprising so I signed or initialed where I was supposed to. Until I got to the statutory warranty deed. Glitch.
Nothing serious in the grand scheme of things, but I shot an email off to the lawyer immediately because I couldn’t sign it as-is. She emailed back a short time later that she’d take care of it. Several minutes ticked by slowly. I’d previously advised them both I was leaving the office early and that time was approaching. Finally, I put everything I had signed in a Fed Ex envelope and put in the outgoing mail basket for pick up. I sent another email reiterating that I had to leave or miss my train and we’d have to finish this Monday.
Reprieve.
blather by bubbe 
aww, I’m sorry you’re stressing over this!
Thanks sweetie. As the AArs say, “this too shall pass.” 🙂
Honey, I’m sorry you’re going through this. May it lead to something even better. Sending you hugs.
Thanks Jo. I’ve always tried to think of one door closing as another opening. This situation has been harder to view that way but I will get through it eventually.
Bubbe, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine the knots in your stomach and the ache in your heart. I know you are probably feeling like it’s the end of the world and you probably want the spinning to stop so you can jump off.
There is nothing worse than feeling like your life is out of control. But the old adage that it’s always darkest before dawn is very true and your days will be shining bright once again.
The most important thing to remember is you need to maintain your mental and physical health. It’s not easy because right now you probably want to bury yourself under blankets and sleep until it’s all over. If you need to indulge, then do it—but not for too long. Your horizon is waiting and it’s bright, so get those sun glasses ready!
Thanks Pamela. Posting it helps some and knowing you guys have got my back ;).
{{BIG HUGS}} That’s it, that’s all I can say….just sending hugs because nothing else I could say will help anyway. Heart you….
Thanks Lori. Hugs are always welcome! I’m a survivor; I know I’ll make it through this too even if it’s hard right now.