I debated whether or not to write this post. Not this here post, the other one. On the one hand, the blog is anonymous. My own name is not associated with it. No one in the family knows I write a blog. None of them follow any blogs to my knowledge. And that’s the sticking point – to my knowledge. This leads to the other hand. If I post it in public what happens if a family member figures out who Bubbe is and reads it? Shares it? Hubs is extremely private. Extremely as in obsessively. He would absolutely loathe that his personal stuff was on the ‘net.
I can’t find a way to actually talk about this to him. I end up emotionally overwhelmed, weeping and gnashing my teeth (the gnashing part is probably not true) and the words won’t come out right (this is definitely true) and we both just end up feeling horrible (also true).
The writing alone might be enough for me to vent the frustration and pain. It may not be absolutely necessary to post it to get the benefit of getting it out. Sunday I called my best friend while I was out walking so Hubs wouldn’t overhear. I gave her an earful let me tell you. And she did what best friends do. She listened. She let me vent and rant and then she responded with all the supportive and loving things friends say. Including that she admires me for my resolve. Wow. I have resolve. (Clicks over to the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English.)
resolve: strong determination to succeed in doing something
After some pondering I realized that I am pretty awesome. I put up with Hubs’ blue moods and pissy attitude on a semi-regular basis and while that gets to me after awhile, I. Am. Still. Here. Granted, we’ve had to deal with a lot of crap over the years, not the least of which is ghosts from our pasts. I’ve had my down days too. But I’m a survivor and I CHOOSE to go forward. Sometimes it’s hard because I feel weighed down when he’s so negative but I recognize that under all the sadness and self-pity the man I fell for umpteen years ago is still there. He even occasionally makes an appearance. Sometimes for days at a time.
So. I don’t think I need to post the other part – the part I was debating about. These past few paragraphs, not to mention the telephone call and an email exchange with my daughter, helped me settle a bit. Life isn’t perfect. We aren’t promised good times so we need to be very grateful when we have them. And persevere when we don’t.
But I’ll keep the other part. It was a healthy and helpful exercise and I’ll be needing to revisit it in the future. Some things are absolutely certain.