Home » Daily Dose » It’s Not My Fault

It’s Not My Fault

I don’t know when it became clear to me that everything was my fault but I’ve lived nearly my whole life believing it to one degree or another.  Looking back, I can see a few instances where it was indeed my fault – I was responsibile for behavior that was mine and mine alone.  However, somewhere along the way “I’m sorry” became such a mantra for me I began to believe everything was really my fault.  It was my fault my step-father beat my brother when he didn’t do his yard work – I can’t see that nexus today, but at 15 or 16 you’d better believe I knew it was my fault.  And of course when a fire destroyed our house and my baby brother was lost I took on the blame for that as well: “I should have put him to sleep in the playpen in the living room!”  ( I almost did because the living room was warmer.)  Seventeen is a hard enough age without the weight of such guilt on one’s shoulders. 

Today my guilt is still a companion, though not as constant or opaque.  It frequently becomes quite transparent, allowing me to see through its veil to the truth – it really isn’t my fault.  This understanding  is new enough to me that at times I still have trouble accepting it.  I am not responsible for everything!  How arrogant would I be if I believed that I was?  It isn’t my fault I got to the parking space before the guy who tried to cut me off to get it!  It isn’t my fault the IT department didn’t set up the overhead projector and tie it into the boss’s laptop after I requested they do so.  It’s not my fault I didn’t hear a neighbor calling for help after falling early one morning.  (That one was hard to accept; I should have heard him!)

I’m not sure where this post is going except I needed to acknowledge if only to myself, that I am not always at fault.  It’s important because a LOT of the time it is my fault.  I’m the one who put the diesel in the Suburban that took gasoline.  The lemon motor home was mostly on me.  I backed into our new-to-us pickup truck in the dark.  It was me who broke the 100+ year old wine glass etched with Hubs’ family crest. 

 Gee, after re-reading this it’s quite clear that it IS my fault.  Sigh.

5 thoughts on “It’s Not My Fault

  1. Stop that! Everything is NOT your fault — don’t blame yourself for things that are out of your control. And for the things that are (such as the wine glasses), well oh well. Accidents happen.

  2. Bubbe, I struggled with this for years too. I used to blame myself for everything. Then one day, my baby brother said to me, “Pam sometimes you are a victim!” He shocked the crap out of me. And after that I paid close attention to WHEN it was my fault and when it wasn’t.

    I used to listen to Dr. Laura when she was on the radio and she said “Guilt implies you’ve done something wrong.”

    Good thing to keep in the forefront of our minds, yes?

    I’m sorry you lost your brother, Bubbe. It seems you had a similar childhood as I. We never should’ve been put in the situation where WE, as kids ourselves, had to be responsible for our siblings.

    Hugs to you (())

    • Thanks so much Pamela. I’m sure you know how helpful it is to hear someone else understands. I like the Dr. Laura quote, I need to cross-stitch that and frame it!

  3. I finally learned to stop blaming myself (mostly) for things that I was not responsible for, but I am still really good at kicking myself harder than anyone else….I forgive them, but I find it really difficult to forgive me.

    It’s not a healthy place to be. But then again, I’m a “fixer” at heart. I want to fix everything that makes me feel bad whether it be for myself or others. Dang, I’m kinda screwed up….

What say you?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s