Done deal

It’s B’s last day at BigLaw.  And I think I’m controlling myself pretty well.  I’ve only snarked at him a little.  Enough to make him laugh and keep me from losing it entirely.  Geez, it’s not like he’s going to the other side of the world.  Sheesh Bubbe, get a grip will ya?  He’ll be two blocks west and a few more north.  Close enough to have lunch on occasion. 

So in an effort to find something to smile about, I went through my favorite web pages and found this gem posted at Caught on the Web.  It’s a little over 7 minutes long but so fun to watch it’s worth the time.  Check it out. 

And Carole has a lot of other cool videos on her blog too.  Love Fred and Ginger?  They’re in there.  Like flashmobs?  They’re in there.  Cats?  Dogs?  Bunnies?  Well, I know cats are in there.  And I think I saw dogs once.  I’m not really sure about bunnies though.  If you see any, let me know! 

Have a great weekend peeps!

Bubbe out.

Guess who’s coming to work?

Yesterday I mentally began counting down the time my coworker B has left before moving on to greener pastures.  Sigh.  In an effort to change that focus I started wondering who his replacement might be.  And scared myself. 

What if the new secretary is one of those women who marinate in their perfume?  Ack!  Seriously.  I can NOT handle strong scents.  I know, right?  I’m one of those douchebags.  But I’m also not good at complaining about it, so there’s that.  I’ll end up suffering with migraines rather than risk offending someone.

Or maybe the newbie will be snotty.  Probably he’ll have a Professional Legal Secretary certification; a couple of decades of experience (while still looking ten years younger) and stare at me down his nose.  Won’t that be fun?  Not even a little bit. 

Perhaps my new neighbor will be the chatty type.  Maybe she’ll want to be my bestest friend in the world!  Okay, probably not.  There has to be some “get to know you” time first right?  Puhleeze let there be some “get to know you” time!  I really don’t need a best friend at work.  Work and pleasure should be separate.  They don’t call it work for nothing now do they?  

So you might wonder what traits I am looking for in a new coworker/neighbor.   I hope the Universe is paying attention.

Dear Future Coworker,

In the interest of a harmonious outcome please:

1.  Don’t blame me for ANYTHING.  Take responsibility for your own damn self. 

b.  Turn down your music – whatever it is.  I love me some Dire Straits but not at paint-peeling levels.  Note:  some of us like to hear our own thoughts. 

III.  If you can’t laugh at my jokes at least don’t get crabby when I laugh at them.  And talk to myself.

d.  It wouldn’t hurt if you were a licensed massage therapist and offered me freebies.  Just sayin’.

 5.  Bonus points for following one or more of the blogs I like (see the sidebar).

Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be.  I guess I’m not really all that hard to get along with. 

Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone remember colored bathroom tissue? 

Something about Administrative Professionals’ Week made me think of bathroom tissue.  Hmm, or maybe I was just desperate for a topic.  Yeah, one of those.

For some reason it occurred to me recently that I haven’t seen colored tissue in YEARS.  A LOT of years.  So I wondered when they started selling only white paper and why.  The Internet rocks y’all.  You can find anything, even the history of toilet paper. 

Did you know that toilet paper is bleached? 

“Incidentally, toilet paper in its natural state is brown and is bleached to obtain its white color.”  (from the above article)

Me either. 

By the way, Wikipedia didn’t like my search terminology: “colored bathroom tissue” but when I searched Ixquick, this came up.  This Wikipedia page included some of the same history that ehow.com had but it added a really unpleasant photo (eww).  Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

As for why they discontinued colored paper in the first place, Yahoo had an answer.  Who knows if it’s correct, but it sounds reasonable. 

And now for the piece de resistance:  colored bathroom tissue still exists!  Or exists again.  Whatever.  Check out Extra Colorful.com – they have snazzy colors!  They also offer paper towels in beautiful, bright colors. 

I imagine you’re familiar with novelty print tissue.  Maybe familiar isn’t the most appropriate word.  How about aware?  I imagine you’re aware of novelty print tissue.  Better?  I thought so.   I think we’ve all seen examples of those prints - in catalogs, at the boss’ house, in the neighbor’s RV (what?  it was an emergency!).  Did you know there’s a website that sells more than fifteen different prints?  They range from Just Married to barbed wire to frogs (wearing crowns!).  I think I’ve just found my go to store for the holidays!

Annnnd that’s a wrap folks.  (But not with this kind of paper.)

Challenge:  I struggled to find a clever or witty ending for this post and as you can see … not so successful.  Please help a gal out and submit your ending in a comment?  I’d appreciate it muchly.

Refrigerator Archeology

In the mood for something a little different, I dug (ha!) into old Word files I’d saved and unearthed (HA!) this gem I wrote ten years ago.  (See what I did there?) 

Dig…

deeper … sweep away rubble:

plastic-mummified plates, long since forgotten

ancient oleo tubs – striking fear in the bravest heart

cautiously, I peel apart brittle aluminum foil,

spy unfamiliar chocolate cake – only crumbs now

         amidst aged triple fudge icing.

“When did we have that?” I wonder aloud.

“Oh,” my husband says over my shoulder. “I brought

that home for you last month.  Or was it April?”

Shrugging, he disappears – his own Saturday agenda in mind.

What NOT to say to your staff … twice

Last week an email showed up in my inbox from The Big Guy back East.  Identifying information has been changed but otherwise, the exact email is re-created below for your reading pleasure.  Try to control yourselves; it’s very touching.  Yeah … touching a nerve.

To: BigLaw Staff

Cc: BigLaw Lawyers

Friends,

        On Wednesday, April 25, the firm will proudly celebrate Staff Appreciation Day, and I’d like to take a moment here to thank you on behalf of all of our lawyers for your extraordinary service to the firm and its clients. Our lawyers repeatedly hear from our clients that the BigLaw staff is unsurpassed in its dedication to client service. In the hectic and challenging world in which we live, teamwork usually prevails, and we are very fortunate that you are part of our team.

        I also wish to repeat my annual personal thanks. As many of you know, I travel the “circuit” of our offices more than most. I’m thus especially appreciative of the warm way in which I am greeted in each of our offices and of the seamless and efficient support I receive throughout the firm. I am not alone in this respect, as I hear the same reports from our many lawyers who travel when providing service to our clients. Please know that your efforts are not taken for granted and that many road-weary BigLaw travelers extend you their heartfelt thanks.

        Many of our staff have firmwide duties and functions.  Although resident in one of our offices, their roles cause them to support and interact with lawyers and other staff across some or all of our 41 offices.  These roles are crucial to any successful business enterprise.  Just as is true at the office level, we are so fortunate to benefit from the quality and dedication of our staff with firmwide duties. 

        In countless ways, all of you elevate the performance and stature of our law firm, and you do so with an unfailingly positive attitude toward our common goal of serving clients.

        All the best,

       The Big Guy

Sweet right?  Thoughtful and heartfelt.  What a great message of support and gratitude.  The Big Guy liked it so much he used it at least twice.

True story:  I forwarded the email to two of my co-workers and said, “I think this is word-for-word identical to his message last year.”

So my partner in snark (sniffle, sob) chuckles and then busies himself with something.  A few minutes later the printer next to him comes to life.  B walks over and hands me the pages he’s printed – last year’s Staff Appreciation Day email AND this year’s.

They are word-for-word identical.

Well that’ll show us how appreciated we are.   Want a tip Big Guy?  Know how to persuade the Staff that you really, truly appreciate us?

Show us the GREEN!

‘nuf said.

A little history

Hey y’all, next week is Administrative Professionals Week!!  

And the crowd goes wild!!  Whoop whoop, dere it IS!  Woo hoo!

Yeah, yeah, I know.  Yawn.  Just another Hallmark holiday.  Um, not.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s what I thought too.  But being a proud administrative professional myself I saw the upcoming “holiday” as pure gold in blogging inspiration so I did some research. 

Here’s some background from the Web:    

During World War II, there was an increased need for skilled administrative personnel, particularly in the United States. The National Secretaries Association was formed to recognize the contributions of secretaries and other administrative personnel to the economy, to support their personal development and to help attract people to administrative careers in the field. The association’s name was changed to Professional Secretaries International in 1981 and, finally, the International Association of Administrative Professionals (IAAP) in 1998.

These changes in name reflected the changing nature of the tasks, qualifications and responsibilities of the members of the organization. IAAP now has an international orientation and continues to provide education and training and set standards of excellence recognized by the business community on a global perspective. The organization’s vision is “to inspire and equip all administrative professionals to attain excellence”.

The first National Secretaries Week was organized in 1952 in conjunction with the United States Department of Commerce and various office supply and equipment manufacturers. The Wednesday of that week became known as National Secretaries Day. As the organization gained international recognition, the events became known as Professional Secretaries Week® and Professional Secretaries Day®. In 2000, IAAP announced that names of the week and the day were changed to Administrative Professionals Week and Administrative Professionals Day to keep pace with changing job titles and expanding responsibilities of the modern administrative workforce. Many work environments across the world observe this event.

Apparently not a Hallmark holiday huh?  I was very surprised to learn the observance has been around since before I was born! 

Now that we’re all edumucated on the origins of Administrative Professional Week/Day I’ll return you to your usual programming.  Until next time peeps…

Dear Jo

Dear Jo:

I don’t understand why Blogspot hates me so.  For the last several days I have loyally followed your heartfelt posts at The Bright Yellow Balloon, and I’ve read every word.  I laughed.  I cried.  I grew angry on your behalf!  I commented on some.  Following Blogspot’s directive, I typed in the senseless drivel it requires to verify that I am not, in fact, a bot.  I even watched as Blogspot’s mental gears meshed and whirred and it posted my comments.  Success! 

Not even.  When I go back to see what new comments have been made mine are nowhere to be found!  Damn it!

How are you supposed to know I’m giving you love?  You won’t even know I’m reading your deepest thoughts and opinions and dreams (in a good, non-stalker way) because Blogspot won’t fuckng let me comment!  To tell the truth, I think it’s a conspiracy to keep you and I from consorting.  The Powers That Be probably know that if you and I put our heads together their heads will roll! 

After all, I can comment at Five Legs Between Us, also at Blogspot.  Dana can attest to that since I recently commented on how icky Cadbury eggs are (yes they are too!).  And a few days ago I posted a three paragraph comment for Gia at Mayor Gia - Blogspot again!  Then today I commented at Harts Beat, still another Blogspot blog. 

Also?  Blogger likes me just fine.  I comment all the time at gram-cracker.com, even as recently as today.  Hi Lori!  (waves)

So it’s obvious isn’t it?  Blogspot must be working for the Man.  Why else would they be keeping us apart this way?  I haven’t posted anything subversive lately.  And other than Sarcastic Bitch poking her head up, none of your recent posts seem to pose a threat to the Man.   I’m so confused!

I hate not being able to comment on your posts.  You make me laugh out loud.  And other times I want to hug you tight and tell you it’ll be alright.  How can Blogspot be so cold and heartless?  How!?

Know this — I AM reading every post.  I will continue to try to comment.  Hugs and prayers are aimed in your direction daily my friend.  Lots and lots of hugs and prayers!

Love always,

Bubbe

Change stinks

My partner in snark is moving on.  Damn it.  My co-worker (the one who generously paid it forward when he gave me his nearly new Kindle Fire recently) is leaving.  I have a really big SAD.  Sorry, I can’t say “I haz” with a straight face.

B told me last week before he gave his notice that he was going and my initial reaction has not changed – it SUCKS so much!  I know he’s been unhappy here for a long time though.  He wasn’t blessed with attorneys as nice as mine on his desk.  I’ve heard how one of them talks to him and I don’t know whether I would have lasted as long as he did.  Add to that the deteriorating morale since the “merger”; reductions in benefits; and how unhelpful HR really is, and you get a recipe for depression, if not outright disaster.

I’ve been at BigLaw for almost 14 years; for most of those years I’ve had only the best people on my desk.  My bosses are genuinely nice.  And all those years I’ve watched other secretaries plug along with attorneys who are at times demanding, arrogant, accusatory, demeaning, vitriolic, etc.  I should clarify that in the office I work in most of the attorneys are nice.  It’s only a handful of attorneys who are difficult, to put it mildly.  But when you have even a few who spew nastiness, it gets around.  It’s going to get very bumpy around here in a couple of weeks.

I’m happy for B, truly happy.  He deserves a boss (or two) who appreciate him.  But damn it I’m going to miss snarking with him.  And the laughter.

Did I mention change stinks?

Know what would be cool?

Well, maybe not cool exactly.  Know what would be helpful?

Labels.

We buy paper towels and bathroom tissue in the large sizes – a dozen or more rolls.  The paper towels aren’t the problem.  I don’t have space to unpack those and stow them, so the full package sits on my washer in the laundry room and I pull out a roll as I need it.

It’s bathroom tissue I have an issue with.

I rip off the wrapper and stack the rolls of tissue in my linen closet in the bathroom.  The wrapper, as you might imagine, goes in the trash.

What’s wrong with that you ask?

Did you ever grab a different tissue than your regular brand?  Maybe you were in a strange store or they were too close together on the shelf.  You didn’t realize the mistake till you were unpacking the groceries at home.  Maybe you didn’t realize it even then if the packaging was similar.  But the minute you begin to use that first roll of “not your brand” of tissue you KNOW.

It might be because it’s not as good as your brand.  Well that’s fixable eventually.  You have to get through the package you bought and you can go back to your old standby.  Or if you have a guest bath you can stock up in that bathroom and go get your favorite right away.

But what happens if you buy “not your brand”, unwrap and stack it in your linen closet and when you go to use that first roll – it is SO MUCH BETTER than your old brand that you know you have a new favorite?  If you’ve tossed the outer wrapper how do you remember what brand you bought by mistake?

Labels.

On the cardboard liner under all the tissue.

Not peel-off sticky labels, but what if they used printed card stock to create the roll liners?

See?  How cool would that be?  Somebody needs to get on that.

Happy Sunday everyone!

All in the Family

One of the things I’ve always loved about Hubs’ family is that when he and I began dating they welcomed me and my daughters with open hearts.  That’s like “open arms” but better!  We were treated like family before the wedding actually made us family.  My youngest daughter, K still lived at home then and Hubs’ mom and sisters never forgot her birthday.  My father-in-law loved her and was so proud of the adult she became and didn’t hesitate to tell her every time he saw her.  And tell us too.

So it came as something of a surprise when I learned that A (Hubs’ daughter with the Ex) doesn’t think of K as “family”.   But then A was raised by her mama.  Go figure.

Hubs and I met K and I, (her significant other) for dinner last night. 

Tangent:  Wow, sorry for the confusing first initial usage; blogging anonymously is hard!  I could give everyone a pseudonym but with six kids, almost nine grandchildren plus sisters, brothers, etc. I’d have trouble remembering who’s going by what name!  Maybe I need to set up a spreadsheet.  End tangent.

After dinner we gravitated to the bar for a nightcap and the four of us continued our conversation.  K wants to move closer to us – woo hoo!  Currently, she and her guy live in the downstairs apartment of the duplex owned by my brother-in-law.  Her Sister A lives upstairs with the new husband, D and 3 year old son from her first marriage.  Because of the proximity it’s natural that the “sisters” would spend a lot of time together and they did when K and I first moved there several months ago.  More recently A doesn’t like to be around I (he reminds her of her Ex) and she even gets mad at her husband when he spends time with them.  When I heard that my brain went, “Wow, what?”  D is a grown man and he should be able to visit whomever he wants, shouldn’t he? It’s not like he’s out partying or bar-hopping; he’s right downstairs!

But that’s not all.  A’s mama, the Ex from hell, visits a LOT.  She and her husband live in Oregon and show up here in Washington at the drop of a hat it seems.  Last October A & D got married and for the week or two before the wedding the Ex was in residence.  Daughter A made a special chocolate cake from the family’s secret recipe for her stepdad’s birthday.  K said how good it was and asked what was in it.  Now remember K thinks of A as her sister and that they’re family AND thought A felt the same way.  At K’s question about the recipe, the Ex said, “It’s a family recipe.”  K didn’t quite get it yet and said, “Yes but what’s in it?”  The Ex repeated with emphasis, “It’s a family recipe.”  K finally understood and looked at A for her reaction.  A agreed, “Yeah.”  K said that’s when she understood where the lines were drawn and that she and A were not really family in A’s eyes.  Nice huh?

The worst part?  I can’t say anything.  K can handle herself and after the initial shock she’s okay with not being part of that family (A, her mama, the Stepdad).  But I want to strangle someone.  How dare that bitch treat my daughter like she’s just some stranger off the street?  Especially after she abandoned her husband in the middle of the night while he was at work?  Who the hell does she think she is? 

Besides, I’m so fucking tired of having to play nice whenever the Ex joins OUR family gatherings.  Last weekend we met Mom and the SIL/BIL she lives with for dinner.  We heard A & D would be there and we thought someone had told K & I about it and they’d be there.  But when I talked with K about it she hadn’t heard until just then (when we’re getting ready to leave our house).  They already had dinner in the crockpot and wisely bowed out.  Then when we arrived, the Ex and Stepdad were there.  No one warned us they would be there and I have to admit I did not handle it at all well.  First I was pissed off that no one thought to tell my daughter about a family dinner.  (I’d only heard details about it myself that morning but I presumed since A lives above K that she’d keep her in the loop.  I won’t make that mistake again!)  Mostly I kept my mouth shut and refused to engage beyond single syllables.  I did have to excuse myself to the ladies’ room once to have a good angry cry.  Luckily I had the excuse that I was still recovering from the pneumonia and everyone thought I was “toughing it out” to be there.  If someone had insisted on knowing what was wrong I probably would have ruined dinner. 

So where does that leave me?  Between a rock and a hard place damn it.  I can’t live with the bitch and I can’t use her for target practice.